An ego aligned creates a life refined

I'm one of those people who spends a lot of time in my head. I'm a day dreamer. I spend hours every day evaluating and analysing what has gone before, and imagining what may be coming next. It's part of the reason I do this blog; to get things out of my head so I can re-focus on the present. I have always envied those who are not distracted by their thoughts. The people who are actually able to switch off and meditate! They seem to live for the moment; appearing to make life decisions without stress; not afraid of making the wrong choice. Meanwhile, I'm playing out every scenario that might occur from the path I decide to take; second guessing myself and wondering what the right move is, as if I'm playing a game of chess.

I wonder though; are these people really making life decisions "without stress", or have they just got clarity on what is truly important when making a decision?

I have made some big decisions in my life - or what felt like big decisions at the time - and each time has felt like it was life or death. It's funny how we convince ourselves that over an 80 to 90 year lifespan, one decision can make or break our entire trajectory. If the last 6 years have taught me anything, it's how untrue this assessment really is. I have come to realise that there are no right or wrong choices. There are just choices. And crucially, no choice is final. We may convince ourselves that there is no coming back after we have made a decision, but that couldn't be further from the truth. Life is anything but a straight line. There will be times when we're on the up, and times when we're on the down. A choice we make might take our path on a bend we didn't expect, but it doesn't necessarily take us completely off track. All we can do is look at the situation in that moment and make the decision which makes the most sense at that time and in those circumstances.

There are, however, some core principles we should ground ourselves in when making these choices. Firstly, our anchor should always be compassion - not just for others but, importantly, also for ourselves. In a world of social media, the pressure we put on ourselves to be perfect has never been higher. We expect ourselves to make flawless decisions, and never to stumble, because we have falsely assumed that to be the norm. If we are able to centre ourselves in self-compassion, to accept that our path in life will have ups and downs, then we free ourselves of the pressure of the decision, and instead allow ourselves to explore our choices with freedom. We don't see decisions as a risk of failing, but instead as an opportunity to grow, learn, and experience. 

Alongside this, we must also make decisions from an authentic place. The people who love us will often have a view on how we are living our lives. Coming from an Asian household, I am as accustomed to this as anyone. I remember when I was buying a car a few years ago, and a non-Asian friend asked me why I was so concerned with my brother and parents' opinion on what car I should buy. The reality was that I was trying to please them as much as I was myself. This isn't just something people find with family; it happens with friends and anyone close to us. We value the opinion of those we love. There is nothing wrong with that. The problem, though, is when those outside voices become stronger than your own voice. That's when we lose our authentic selves and we start to make decisions for others and not for ourselves. It's hard to switch off those voices, but without authenticity, is a choice really our own? And if a choice is not our own, it's harder to argue that there are no good or bad ones.

Aside from those two core principles, one other really stands out for me; and that is to avoid letting our unhealthy ego drive our decisions. If we take a step back, a healthy ego is good for us. It pushes us forward with ambition, drives a healthy level of confidence, builds our determination, and makes us resilient. There is undoubtedly a place for a healthy ego in all of us. It makes us stronger and more successful. But that line between healthy and unhealthy is very fine, and it can creep up on you without realising. In certain situations and environments, unbeknown to us, we may find our ego starting to drive us more than we realise. If I look back at my life, throughout my 20s, I was so focused on rising up the corporate ranks and getting that next promotion to impress family and friends. Ultimately, that was my ego driving me; my ego was getting fuel from how others perceived me. It meant I was always focusing on the next thing, never satisfied with what I had, and ultimately, never feeling happiness with my life. I was on a path towards burn out. I wasn't fulfilled by my achievements because it was serving external factors - creating a status which made me look good in the eyes of others - and it wasn't serving my internal needs and passions.

The reset I took in my life at the age of 34 was a game changer for me. I finally stopped letting my unhealthy ego drive me and made choices which served my passions. The 5 years away from banking reset my whole outlook on life. I realised that what brings me happiness is using my skills to help people and make the world a better place, having time to laugh with family and friends, and prioritising my health and wellness. When I returned to JP Morgan last year, I was very determined that I wouldn't let it be like last time. I wanted to make choices and set boundaries that allowed me to stay true to my internal drivers, rather than external. But, being back in such a competitive environment challenges my ability to make choices from healthy places. It takes a lot of mindfulness to bring awareness of when my unhealthy ego might be driving me. I often find myself taking a step back, reminding myself of my needs, and actively choosing something different. It's not easy, but being able to be mindful in my choice allows me to harness my ego in a healthy way. We're all a work in progress, but one thing I know is that I feel much more secure and happier in myself when I'm able to drown the noise of the external. There are obviously moments it slips - we're all human - but as I continue on this journey of self improvement, I hope to continue aligning my ego to refine my life. Each choice is a step, and with compassion and authenticity, every path can lead to growth, joy, and fulfillment.